A Year Has Passed

Wow I look at this page and it's been over a year since I have even been on here. Time flies is such a cliche but it's so true. I cant believe it has been that long. It feels like yesterday I sat at my computer and spilled out these thoughts. As I type today I am in a very different place then last year, yet I still have many similar feelings. I guess the human condition never changes.

At this very moment I am more myself then I have ever been. I know who I am and who I am not, I know what I want and what I never want again. I have very close family and friends that I truly love. I have a great, stable job that not only pays the bills but also affords me to do a lot of things that I want to do. My apartment is all moved in and feels like home these days. I am truly blessed. I have more then most can ask for and for that I am very grateful. Yet I still feel completely disconnected.

I don't think people are truly connected these days. In a world where everything is connected to everything else, facebook friends follow you on twitter and read your blogs. You can talk all day non stop via email, facebook updates or tweets. But do we really know each other? Do we have a true connection? I am just as guilty of these things, I am addicted to facebook but Its like a substitute for the real thing.

Everyone is only a text message away, yet the silence between people is deafening. The world is cold and lonely. I guess we all walk alone at times, but I am done walking alone. I want a real connection. People in a room, together no technology talking about hopes and dreams and fears. I want something to tie me to this world, something to make me feel like there is a purpose for this pain.

Time for change

Haven't blogged in a bit...sorry.

So I looked at my page today and was like geez depressing much.

It seems I only blog when in a bad/weird mood which makes sense if you know me.

I am an over thinker by nature and this blog kinda has helped me process thoughts and feelings that I have and need to do something with or else I will just sit on em and think about em over and over.

Sometimes just getting it all out there helps, even if no one reads (or only a few people) its a good release.

That being said maybe all my blogs are depressing because my background was totally depressing, very dark so I lightened it up a little. Hopefully that change will lighten me up a little.

Fall's got me thinking

Fall is by far my favorite time of year. The weather cools down, the trees change to beautiful shades of red and orange. I love pumpkins, apples and Halloween. I get to wear sweaters and scarves and boots. Every fall feels like a new beginning to me.

Last year with fall came the start of my new single life. This time last year my 2 1/2 year marriage was ending and although I was still a little sad about it I knew it needed to end. My relationship was anything but healthy and i knew that the new adventure ahead was worth the hurt I was feeling. This fall's new beginning is not nearly as dramatic however I feel it is just as important. I am not the same person I was a year ago today. I am happy. I have great friends and a loving family. I am still trying to figure things out but I don't really think anyone has it all figured out anyway. I have decided I will be happy no matter what. I am not going to let the little things get to me. I am going to love with all my heart and not be afraid of looking silly or being rejected. I am going to be me, openly, faults and all. I want people to know I am struggling, but that struggling isn't a bad thing. That I am going to embrace my new beginning. Most of all I am gonna pull on my favorite sweater and boots, go outside and feel blessed. My favorite season is here and I intend to celebrate it.

A random thought

I heard this today

"The heart has reasons that reason cannot know."

It's a quote from Blaise Pascal, a French mathematician and philosopher. Now before you think I am going all nerd on ya let me confess I heard it on One Tree Hill, but still it resonated all the same and it got me to thinking how true that statement really is.

My heart always knows what it wants. It screams to me but I chose to not listen. It tells me to jump I stay still because I am scared. It tells me to take chances, I ignore it because I don't want to look like a fool. It wants me to get out of my comfort zone, begs me to confess how I feel, I silence it with over analyzing. Now I am thinking maybe my heart knows something I don't know. Maybe it is in on this cosmic joke and I need to give it the chance it deserves. I need to jump, head first no matter how scared I am. Today I start shutting off my brain and listen to the reason of my heart. Its a strong heart, the strongest part of me, its time I respect that. It's time I follow that, unafraid and unconditionally.

My confession @ 7 am

I recently had a friend ask me if I had a chance to confess the things I have done what would I say. I drew a blank-froze up. Maybe it was because he is a semi new friend and I was scared, maybe it was because I wasn't ready. Well I am ready now so here it is.

I am a mess and thats ok. Sometimes I do things that I am not proud of, things that make it hard to sleep at night-things that make me hate myself just a little bit. Things that make me need to call my best friend at 6 am. I often know the right thing to do but find that the path of least resistance is far easier. I want to have faith, but find it hard when sometimes I don't even have faith in myself. I allow people to dictate how I feel far too often. I let careless behavior hurt me more then it should. I let unreturned texts or phone calls get to me. I let my heart out rule my mind but still can never shut my mind off. I over think things to the point of exhaustion.

Yesterday was my 27th birthday- I am an adult- I live on my own, pay bills, go to work everyday but sometimes I make childish decisions.

I am working on these things-I promise. I am trying to be good. I want to be a person worthy of love and I want someone to love me. But I am still me, a work in progress as we all are. I think I am just finally accepting that.

"We're all wounded anyway in our respective ways."

Blue Like Jazz

So I read ALOT- I am a big book nerd for sure and it happens every so often that I find that I am reading a book at the exact right time in my life. Blue Like Jazz is one of those books and this is one of those times. I am only about 40 pages in-got about 200 to go but I am totally identifying with this book and that is VERY weird if you know me at all!

I highly recommended this book to anyone-even if they do not think it is for them because I didn't think it was for me either- the founder of one of my favorite charities, To Write Love On Her Arms, recommended it- I put it on my reading list about a year ago and finally picked it up. Now reading it I feel like it may have been written for me. And maybe just maybe I didn't read it earlier for a reason. That maybe I wasn't ready to read it until now.

Oh yes I am blogging about the VMA's

It's 4am-probably not the best time for my 1st blog but in all actuality I function better late at night anyway. Just watched the VMA's and learned two things.

Lesson 1- Kanye West is an utter douche bag!! This is very hard for me to admit because I think he is an amazing artist and its hard for me to like someone musically if I hate them personally but I think it is time I admit this one out loud (or at least in writing)

"George Bush hates black people" well that was a little weird and out of the blue but I let that slide cause in all actuality it was probably not very far from the truth.

Talking about how he is the greatest ALL THE TIME well that's kind of a rapper thing anyway-but seriously Kanye WTF were you thinking!!! Why interrupt someone accepting an award because you think Beyonce should have won! Sit down and STFU no one wants to hear it anymore!

Lesson 2- 2 and a half months after the passing of Michael Jackson and I still cry like a baby for him. Janet's tribute was beautiful and watching her dance beside her brother again (even if he was in video form) brought it all back again. I grew up with MJ! He was a beautiful person and to think that he is gone still blows my mind!

All in all though it was a good show-now if only MTV would actually play some music videos we would be in business!